It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
