why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
