Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
