I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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