I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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