chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
