South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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