apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
