I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
