I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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