OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
