it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
