hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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