if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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