i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
