Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
