I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
