i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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