Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
