You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
