Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
