You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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