Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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