a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
