He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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