If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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