i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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