Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
