dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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