so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
