i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
