You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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