Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
