guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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