I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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