go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
