Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
