I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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