I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I need water and some morals
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
