can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
