I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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