i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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