I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
did i just pee glitter
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