I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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