Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
