really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I love you.
Bad choice
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
