Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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