Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
