She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
