So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
