I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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