I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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