I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
