I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
