and you said cock pushups were impossible
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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