I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
